Friendly Fire

Those friends thou hast and their adoption tried,
grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel . . .
Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
take each man’s censure, but reserve thy judgment . . .
This above all: to thine own self be true,
and it must follow, as the night the day,
thou canst not then be false to any man.

William Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act 1 Scene III

Do you know what it means to be criticized? I am not talking about the opinion voiced by one of your friends about why the colour of your shirt does not match the colour of your trousers or why you have chosen to wear the same dress you wore to class to a birthday party.
I am talking about a criticism that assaults your dreams, your ambitions and your hopes; the stinging attacks against your aspirations – that rips to shreds the blueprint (or a blueprint) you have drawn up for your life. That insistent myriad of voices that bombard your consciousness in the guise of friendly advice and at times, outright hostility:

“you are aiming too high”
“you are taking on too much”
“you cannot”
“you are a dreamer”
“this is a stupid venture”
“you are not ready”

How many times have you heard these from well-meaning friends and acquaintances? How many more times in your journey through life will you feel the piercing darts of the critical tongue? It might be useful to remind yourself in the midst of scathing criticism, especially of the type that queries your abilities or that continually insists that “you are not good enough” that the cautious approach of a tiger is not an indication of weakness but rather, an intoxication of strength.

Hostile critics are perhaps the easiest to deal with (they are not any less stinging) but they are easier, because you know, at least, that their intentions are opposed to yours. It is indeed a curious thing and I dare say this in all sober earnest and with all the humility that I can glean from my arrogance, that if you are alert to the possibility and can adequately gauge the stubbornness of these hostile critics by the measure of your own obstinacy, these critics can very well be your greatest cheerleaders.

But, the gentle suggestion of friendly criticism, now, that is a whole different matter altogether; the gentle hand of a friend on your shoulder, the clear, unwavering eyes staring directly into yours, coaxing you with all the honesty that friendship grants it liberty to, a critic that does not wish you ill, infact oftentimes, a critic whose intentions are noble – that my friend is a much more perilous sea to navigate.

But, the noblest intentions, contrary to all expectations can smother the best of dreams – the noblest of your friends can actually kill your dreams with too much love.

So, should you not listen to your friends, or should you only have friends that agree with you all the time? The short answer to both questions is “no,” but the long answer to both questions are two questions, “Who are your friends?” and “Do you know what you want?”

The advice of friends can be useful and there is nothing wrong with one seeking wise counsel from those you have chosen to call your friends. But, there are certain friendships that you need to strengthen and there are other friendships that you simply have to say “bye-bye” to.

A wise man once said, “Choose your friends wisely, if you don’t choose, you will lose”

The keyword there is WISELY, and “wisely” does not mean based on social, economic or religious factors but rather based on your core values.

So, what are your core values?

Choosing your friends based on your CORE VALUES and having a well-defined set of goals are indispensable preambles to accurately judging and handling whatever criticisms may come from them when they offer you advice.

There is no prescription that can be written to tell you “when to listen to your friends” and “when not to listen to your friends” but if you have chosen your friends wisely and know exactly where you are in life and know exactly where you want to get to, Providence will always lead you along the right path. It is an uncanny truth but true all the same, that Providence always seems to throw its weight behind the man or woman who knows exactly where he or she is going.

Ultimately, the buck stops with you and you alone will live in whatever reality you choose to create.